ENGLISH
NOTE: THIS IS A SATIRE OF BLACK HUMOR, I DO NOT WRITE TO INSULT MATT OR ANYONE, GREETINGS, JUST TO BE CLEAR
Let's go with another black humour story for this half-blurred photo taken with a nokia from 2003 in Heidi's hut.
ONCE UPON A TIME BOBBY'S "NO" BIRTHDAY. 2 September 2023.
We leave about 37456 hours before the meeting.
Set: a piece of church, half destitute house clothes.
Matty and BB lying on the couch.
ACT 5576628
(Telephone conversation)
Matty: Hey mom, are you coming to celebrate BB's birthday?
Lynne: Who is it? Ah! Matty, I can't get your number! it's unknown ....
Matty: Oh fuck! I must have hit it by accident! but .... don't you recognise my voice? Oh how sad to reach 40!!! (coughs loudly) fucking tobacco, I have to give it up...ah well for 2026 (laughs) hey listen, it's BB's 3rd birthday and I want to celebrate it, today he has a birthday face, I think....(BB plays with Matty)
Fuck don't rub my leg! and leave my socks!
Bobby: I'm gonna rip these socks a little bit.... I know they're his favs (laugh-no-laugh-I'm a doggy? yes or no? no..yes..) yum yum!!!
Matty: Damn! BB leave these socks on, I'm gonna punish you! don't look at me like that! mom are you there?
(ignores Lynne for 45 hours)
Lynne: yes!!! i'm here!!! it's you who's distracted! going out now? uy what a laziness...i have to get ready and everything...and the dressing room is a mess, today the "Philippine" is day free, and without her i can't find myself....
Matty: Come on! Wear anything!
Lynne: uff at this age you can't do that my son...
Matty: it's true, I'll be the same in no time...oh the fucking years...today I've seen two more grey hairs and three more wrinkles!!! but for me you'll be the most beautiful woman in the world! as long as it's for me...the rest of you fuck off!!!
Lynne: OK, but I'm doing it for BB, not for you, he deserves the best birthday;
Where are we going? You know the fancy and expensive places, look it up, send me the location.
Matty: Give me a few minutes and I'll look in my VIP diary...
37474343 minutes later
Bobby: Hey Matty, what are you doing? your mother is talking to you!
Lynne on line: hey! are you there? where is this guy? (mobile message, the call got hung up)
Matty: oops, I dropped my glasses, and the other 44 pairs of glasses are missing.... I already have a place, it's a rustic place a bit far from the centre, (where did I send the message? oh I sent it to someone else!! cancel cancel cancel!! shit!!!) let's see... resend...
ay! i need another filipina to tidy up this chaos at home...hey Bobby put that down, hey put that down!!! (damn! a hidden unopened condom...ummmmmm i hope i use it up soon (makes a naughty face))
Bobby: Keep dreaming! get your wallet ready if you want to spend that condom (sarcastic stuffed doggy face)
Matty: don't piss me off, you'll be without a birthday, without sweets and without.... well without night walks with your owner who's all hot, fuck if they said that with dogs you can get laid a lot! what a pain! or with dogs or with children, giving pity that you're a widower (cries without desire) and if....ah no! i want them biological, i don't want children that aren't mine...(thinking about adopting one to give pity and get more flirt)...
Bobby: don't threaten me with your scorpian revenge, are you hottie? (irony) you're already in the discount.....(laughs-no-laughs-no)
Matty: I'm better than ever!!! look at my tits!!! and look at my hair!!! mom! fuck the fucking iphone!
Lynne on line: and about time too! in these 548698568 minutes I've already got dressed, I've walked 4 km here at home, if I walk more I'll show up in Manchester! and you still didn't answer, a bit more and my make up will come off, thank goodness it's waterproof! send me the location and I'll ask for an Uber. (oh how unglamorous this Uber is...let's see who's coming...)
(I want a driver with an elegant suit!!! (umm I'm going to ask my son because I'm mega-high class)
Matty: sorry mom, BB was making mischief, and me too, look at this place! do you like it? food is great, they let pets in and sit on the chairs, in other places they don't let me and my BB doesn't stay on the floor! no way! there I'll send you the location! see you in a while! (I think)... Bobby! come and put on your beanie, it's cold! (she puts it on with love and gives him a tender hug)
Uber or AUDI? which do you choose?
Bobby: What do you think? Uber....let's eat and drink, I want to go out alive and celebrate my 4th birthday, but is it really today? what are you doing putting that condom in your wallet? throw it away! it's from 1999 (laughs)
Matty: of course it's today! So don't fuck with me! (he's already made me doubt, and where is the vet's booklet? who knows); what should we wear? ummm I have been given by these black trousers and this black sweatshirt that I have been given by, let's see if it smells? vah you can't detect it with a bit of perfume (laughs) and for the inside this basic white t-shirt that the people from dailymail have taken 345849 pictures of me with it, and the boots that are worn... how's my hair? it's fucking great....(how handsome I am, whatever they say! (he touches his hair sensually) and my Burberry coat from 10 years ago! we have to amortize what it costs....
Bobby: the same outfit again? you repeat yourself more than broccoli! if the paparazzi hunt you and upload the photos, people won't believe they're from today but from the last century (laughs perversely).
Matty: Let's go! the Uber is already outside (he picks up a mini-backpack with 200 things inside).
Bobby: yesss! come on! (wags his tail happily)
In the Uber...(a pleasant music can be heard for Matty and BB)
Bobby with beanie: ouh... what a car anxiety! roll down the window and I'll stick my head out! like this! movie style!!
Matty: Don't even dream about it! they see you and you're already better known than Paris Hilton's dog and the journalists start chasing us! and today's exclusive is with mum Lynne who will upload a mega photo on twitter, don't fuck with me!
Bobby: What do you think you are, Michael Jackson?
Matty: Hey, I've already got my audience. HBO have their heyday with me and it has been very strong, the money they have earned!!! and I snuck into the CANNES in 2009 and I posed and they didn't notice! they took pictures of me and everything ..... very handsome I look... um (makes a hot guy face) look at this perfect profile (poses) ...many males of 20 would like it more!!! I don't even have a double chin and I have hair! and other hidden things.... (laughs)
Bobby: in 2009 you were known by 4 geeks (laughs loudly)...and what were you doing in CANNES? you weren't nominated for anything and you weren't going for any film either?
Matty: 4 fucking freaks? they had already chosen me to be the 3485734 doctor who, I was doing in CANNES what you don't care about, (laughs mischievously) well, .......... a bit of flirting, drinking, doing dirty business, making the parade, to get laid, posturing...the usual.
Bobby: Shut up, ghost!
Matty: Don't go on, I'll drop you anywhere and leave!
Bobby: You couldn't, you love me too much!!! (laughs) give me a hug!!!!
47857654767 hours later....
Heidi's hut version 5.0 (Restaurant) London 355 street north
ACT 45645699
Lynne: Son! I'm here! heyy, he can't see me from far away.
Matty: Mom! (runs to hug her excitedly) What are you doing? How are you?
Lynne: Here! I always get here before you! what a mess you are, and I was further away...oh my handsome boy! what a great hair you have!!! may it last you many years...let's go tell one of the waiters to take our exclusive mega photo!!! hey boy!!! (calls one of the waiters in a full suit) umm I like this place posh, it goes with us (I'm aquarius I like luxury, because I'm worth it)
could you take a picture of us?
Waiter in fancy dress 69: good afternoon Mrs. Smith, of course (he picks up mom Lynne's iphone 20, but the lens is a bit dirty, Matty's is the 28th iphone) (click! he takes the picture, well if you can call that a picture...)
Matty tipsy for the whiskey: mom! fuck! put the mobile on silent that this day is very special for me! disgusting social networks!!!
Bobby tipsy and cigar on his hoof: That's it! Heavy fans...heavy...oh I'm a bit dizzy (laughs)
Lynne on line: Matty!!! look what the fans are telling me!!! (she shows him the answers to the blurry 500 POUNDS photo) that today is not BB's birthday!!! OMG....look!!!
Matty not on line: (I HATE SOCIAL NETWORKS BUT I HAVE AN ANONYMOUS ACCOUNT WITH A PUPPY'S PROFILE PHOTO, I CAN'T AVOID IT I'M SCORPIO, I'M gossip, otherwise I look at everything with my mother's account (laughs to himself and with a face of revenge..)
let's see! give me the cell phone! (angrily picks up the iphone 20 plus) i am sick of this shit! fuck..fuck...they're saying it's the 3rd of October!! look there are screenshots of your post from last year.... fuck, BB!! and you don't tell me anything???? mom!!! look at BB's face!! oh what a tragedy! you knew and you made me look bad!! punished without sweets! but now for real! and you're going to do your business in the garden! you won't see the street for a week! (fuck I'm drunk and dizzy, vah it's not new)....
Bobby drunk and with another cigar in his hoof: jajajajajajajajajajajaj (he laughs loudly and takes off the black cap that Matty put on him before leaving and says very loudly)
HAPPY NO BIRTHDAY BB!!! (continues laughing loudly and looks at the people who were there at other tables, all already drunk as a skunk and says)
Drunk audience: HAPPY NOT BIRTHDAY TO BB!!! (and they applaud)
Lynne of line: but MATTY!!! YOU DON'T EVEN CELEBRATE YOUR PUPPY'S BIRTHDAY?!?!! I AM READY FOR ANYTHING!!I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE THE BB'S CARD...HOW TO LOOK FOR IT! YOU HAVE TO LOOK CAREFULLY!!!! I HAD TO GET DRESSED BY MYSELF WITHOUT MY Philippine" AND TAKE A MIDDLE CLASS UBER!!!! NOT THIS... EH!!! I WANT A DRIVER WITH A SUIT! YOU NEED ANOTHER "Philippine" TO TIDY UP YOUR PIECE OF CHURCH (MATT'S HOUSE)...I'LL FIND HER FOR YOU, OR DO YOU PREFER A GUY?
Matty pissed off, drunk, with cigarette in hand: MOM! FUCK, STOP! I'M NOT 20 YEARS OLD ANYMORE, I DON'T HAVE THE SAME MEMORY CAPACITY! AND THE NEURONS THAT HAVE DIED BECAUSE OF MY BAD HABITS! (BOBBY KEEPS LAUGHING) WELL BB FUCK YOU! WE'RE HERE! LET'S GO TO DINNER, DO YOU WANT A DRIVER? OK! AND YES, LOOK FOR A "Philippine" FOR ME TOO, NOT A GIRL, THEY ARE VERY VOYEURISTIC AND THEY SEARCH EVERYTHING, A BOY IS MORE DISCREET...AND ON THE 3RD OF OCTOBER WHAT ARE WE DOING?....
Lynne: October 3rd if we're still alive we'll see! ay!!!....let's order dinner....
TO BE CONTINUED... "BB'S YES BIRTHDAY"...
Written by: KIRA LUNA SELENE SUSAN SALAS (DO NOT COPY TO OTHER WEBSITES WITHOUT PERMISSION)
